His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my being single is dangerous.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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