Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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