What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
