I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
