Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
