I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
