plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ladies don't puke and tell
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
