She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
