I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
