bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
