Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
