Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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