Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
