Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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