i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
