you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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