I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
