No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
