Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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