i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
