I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
