Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
