Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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