She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
