Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
