I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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