youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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