i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
