I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
