Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.