Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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