i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.