I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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