What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
