nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
