Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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