I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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