If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am naked and annoyed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
