Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
