I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
