conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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