I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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