hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
