I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
