tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
