Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
