Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
