Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
