just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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