dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
