My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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