I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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