Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
