you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
