i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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